Building a Loving Relationship with Your Wife

For most of us men, if you ask us the question, “How’s your marriage going?” we’d answer, “It’s fine.” But if you were to ask our wives that question, the answer might be different. Have you noticed that your wife’s way of measuring or defining the relationship is different than yours? Most men just want to stay out of trouble, but your wife wants so much more.

I remember years ago, taking my family up to Mammoth Mountain for our annual summer vacation. I had all of the toys needed for an amazing fishing trip in my car, and all of the kids (5 of them!) loaded up in my wife’s car. It was a great way for me to get some alone time. After the 6 hour drive up the mountain, the look on my wife’s face said everything: she was not happy.

My vacation plans usually had very little to do with my spouse or my family. They were always more about me – the man of going, going to the mountain of God to get the rest of God. The problem was, I wasn’t thinking about anyone else but me.

After we’d arrived and unpacked our things I realized I had a lot of repair work to do with my wife. 

I’ve met a lot of men who raised their kids with the love of their life, but after years of shuttling kids around, and dealing with life events over the years, they realized their love affair with their wife has cooled off. Passion was replaced with activity.

Let me teach you three things that I’ve learned over the years that have helped me build a loving relationship with my wife, Jill.

Ephesians 5:25 tells us, “Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting. Christ’s love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty, everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness. And that is how husbands ought to love their wives.” (Ephesians 5:25, MSG)

See, most of us have love with “hooks”. “I love you for what I get out of it.” Or “I love you and I expect something in return.” “I’ll show you love IF you do this for me.”

That’s love with hooks. This kind of love will fail every time because it’s based on self-love and what you can get out of it. If you’re not getting anything out of it, there’s no reason to stay, right?

But God tells us here that we need to love each other with a love marked by selflessness.


Here’s a few ways you can build a lasting relationship with your spouse:


1. Love your wife by giving and not getting.

“Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting.”

You need to recognize that there are areas in your life that you loved your wife expecting something in return. “I’ll do this if you do this for me.” Here’s how you can practically do this: think of some ways that you can love your wife for her sake.

And if you really want to try this out, ask your wife this question: “What are some things I can do for you that will communicate how much I love you?” Then get out a note pad and write them down. Sometimes I like to remind my wife Jill, “Can you only give me two things? Because if you give me a long list it will overwhelm me and I won’t get any of them done.”


2. Bless your wife with your words by telling her what you love about her.

“His words evoke her beauty”

Sometimes after a long day at work or in the ministry, it’s easy to make our relationship with our wife transactional. But she’s been with the kids all day or working another job, and she is longing to hear what you love about her.


3. Join her in doing the things she loves to do.

“everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness.”

Nothing means more to your wife than doing things with her that she loves to do. Remember when you were dating your wife and you would do anything just to hang around her? Just to look at her? You pursued her the way that she needed to be pursued.

(It might be that you have a little more hard work to do with your wife in the area of forgiveness. Don’t be pushed off if your wife doesn’t respond to you immediately. We have lots of other material on our blogs about forgiveness and restoring relationships which I encourage you to look into!)


Let me pray for you!

Remember the Father loves you and sent His Son to let you know!


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Published on March 7, 2018.

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